


I'm getting lost (I need someone to relay on)

by Stardustwrites17



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Merlin Bingo 2021, Merlin is a Good Friend (Merlin), Minor Character Death, Missing Scene, POV Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Panic Attacks, S4E03, Uther Pendragon Dies (Merlin), Vomiting, at least I think it's that, if it's not what i think they are someone comment on it please i don't want to get this wrong, we need more Arthur expressing his feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 01:53:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30064857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stardustwrites17/pseuds/Stardustwrites17
Summary: Missing scene after Uther gets stabbed. Arthur breaks down, and Merlin is left to pick up the pieces.For my merlin bingo: Uther or Ygraine
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 41
Collections: Merlin Bingo





	I'm getting lost (I need someone to relay on)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about this missing scene for a long time so I decided to write it down.  
> Warnings: grief, panic attacks and vomiting. The last two aren't graphic but I still don't want anyone to get triggered.  
> Title from the song: somewhere only we know, by Lilly Allen.

Arthur kept screaming, he didn’t know for how long. 

He screamed until his voice grew hoarse, until the door burst open, and Merlin stood there, face pale and eyes widened in shock as he stared at Arthur cradling his father’s body. 

“Help” 

The single broken word made Merlin leap into action. 

He stuck his head into the corridor, catching a glimpse of two guards patrolling the halls. 

“Get Gaius!” He bellowed, “the king is injured!”

The guards started running, and Merlin ran to Arthur’s side, unknotting his neckerchief along the way to press it against the gaping wound below Uther’s heart. 

He grabbed Arthur’s hand and pressed it against the cloth, already slick with blood. 

“Keep a steady pressure” he ordered as he made to move away. 

“Where are you going?” 

Arthur couldn’t think straight, maybe it was the shock setting in, but somehow he doubted it was just that. 

Merlin ignored the assassin's corpse as he fluttered around the room, pulling back the covers of the bed, grabbing a pitcher and pouring water into a bowl, leaving it by the bedside table. He also grabbed a few hand towels and left them by the bed.

“We need to get him to the bed,” he told Arthur. 

When Arthur didn’t respond, he looked at his prince, who sat there, staring into his father’s face.

“He’s not dead yet, Arthur.” He tried to be calming, but the words came out clipped, urgent. 

Arthur flinched but nodded. 

Together, they lifted the king and lay him down. Merlin quickly exchanged his soaked neckerchief for a hand towel.

“Where the hell is Gaius?” Merlin muttered, pushing the towel down. Uther didn’t stir.

“He was getting better.” Arthur hadn’t meant to speak, but the words poured out of his mouth anyway.

Merlin looked at him, truly looked at him for the first time. 

His prince was shaking, hands and tunic covered in blood, along with a streak on his cheek when he had rubbed away his tears. His pupils were blown, too much for it to be natural. Maybe from shock, but…

He looked at the assassin's corpse, and recognized him as one of the entertainers, the one that had given Arthur an apple. 

Drugged then, he thought, remembering Arthur’s ‘drunken’ stupor when Merlin had led him to his chambers. 

Before Merlin could say anything, Gaius strode into the chambers, immediately moving to Uther’s side to check his pulse. Three servants trailed after him, he started barking orders at them, nodding in appreciation at the water and towels already on the bedside table. 

“Gaius-“ Merlin started.

“Take Arthur to his chambers,” Gaius interrupted, “make sure he’s alright.” 

Merlin nodded but Arthur protested.

“I’m fine.”

He was still shaking. 

“Come on, Arthur.” Arthur shook his head.

“I have to stay.” 

Merlin hesitated, looking at Gaius, but the physician was already tending the wound.

“We’re blocking the way, Arthur, come on.” 

When Arthur shook his head again, pupils still blown wide, Merlin grabbed his arm and pulled. 

Arthur immediately protested, pushing back and cursing at Merlin. But Arthur was still weakened by the drug in his system, and Merlin wasn’t exactly the stick he’d been when he had first arrived at Camelot. Merlin closed the door behind them, Arthur still struggling and demanding loudly to be let go. With a frustrated grunt, Merlin pushed the prince against the wall, pinning him to it even as he kept struggling. 

“Look at me Arthur-  _ look at me.”  _ he pushed the prince harder against the wall, making him knock his head against it. He hadn’t meant to be so forceful, but his nerves were fried, his hands were covered in blood and his heart had not stopped hammering ever since he had first heard Arthur’s desperate cries. It seemed to do the trick though, because Arthur met his eyes, fear and panic making them grow wide. He looked younger than he was this way.

“We can’t do anything for him. It’s up to Gaius.” He forced himself to be softer when Arthur’s eyes met his, a steady rock against Arthur’s storm. 

“We’ll go to your chambers, get changed-” he could smell the blood on Arthur, his own hands were sticky with it, proof of his own carelessness, of his failure at protecting his prince-  _ don’t think about it.  _ “-And when Gaius is done, we’ll meet him here, alright?”

Arthur seemed to think about it, his heaving breaths slowing down as he nodded. 

Merlin let him go, and together they made their way towards Arthur’s chambers. Arthur looked vacant, his movements automatic as he walked next to Merlin. 

Merlin curled his hands into fists to stop them from shaking.

...

Arthur felt numb. 

He didn’t feel the pounding of his head from where he had hit his head on the floor, barely felt the beating of his heart, as if he were the one dying and not his father. 

The door to his chambers opened as the thought struck him. 

His father was dying. He looked down at his hands, at his chest. They were drenched in rapidly cooling blood. The door closed behind him.

He fell to his knees and retched, a wave of nausea had come out of nowhere, due to shock or whatever he’d been drugged with he didn’t know, nor did he particularly care.

His father was dying, and all because he hadn’t been able to protect him. 

The guilt sank it’s claws on his chest, it stung and burned, making him retch again. This time there was a bucket beneath him, and he managed to throw up into it, avoiding making a bigger mess than he already had. 

_ Useless _ , he thought,  _ when the hell did you become so weak- _

A hand ran up and down his back, he shuddered at the contact. His face was wet with tears as another wave of nausea overcame him, and he was forced once more to dive into the bucket. 

The smell hit him then, of blood and sick and sweat, and a desperate noise escaped his throat. The hand in his back disappeared and  _ look what you’ve done, they’re disgusted by you, useless child- _

“Arthur.” 

He looked up to find Merlin next to him, also on his knees, a damp rag hanging limp in his hand. 

“You’re alright, Arthur.  _ Breathe. _ ” 

“I  _ am _ breathing.” he gasped out.

“Breathe  _ slower. _ ” 

He forced himself to slow down, choking on air as his lungs begged for more oxygen,  _ faster- _

“Copy me, Arthur.” Merlin pleaded, his hand grabbing his own as he pushed it against his chest, and since when had he been able to deny Merlin anything? Except a day off, of course. 

The strange thought calmed him somehow, enough that some of the fog lifted from his mind and he began to breathe slower, matching Merlin’s breaths. 

His servants grinned at him weakly, eyes shining as if he were proud of him, which was ridiculous because why would he be proud of something he did all the time?

“Very good, sire.” 

Merlin reached up and grabbed his jaw, gentle as if he were handling something fragile, something precious. He rubbed with the wet rag at the corners of his mouth, cleaning the sick that clung to his lips and cheeks. 

Arthur stared at him, brows pitched in bemusement and surprise. Something inside him told him to pull away, to stop Merlin, to make him leave. He didn’t deserve this, he  _ didn’t, not after letting his father down- _

“Leave.” His voice was hoarse, trembling with poorly masked emotion. Merlin frowned.

“Sire-” 

“You’re Gaius’ apprentice, you can help.”

_ Don’t bother with me, I don’t deserve it, I don’t  _ want _ it.  _ (Lies).

Merlin shook his head.

“I’m not leaving.” Arthur stood up, Merlin mirroring him a second later. He forced himself to stand straight, his voice was a little clearer when he said,

“I wish to be alone.” 

_ Alone. He needed to start getting used to it, because first Morgana had left, and now his father was going to leave him because he’d been too  _ weak _ , too pathetic to save him- _

“I don’t think you do.” 

Rage rose from his chest, an unmovable force that made blood rush in his ears. The suddenness of it left him short of breath once more.

“LEAVE.” He bellowed at his servant. Merlin didn’t move, not even an inch. Arthur couldn’t stand to meet his eyes, those blue eyes filled with such compassion, such sadness for him. He didn’t deserve it. He  _ didn’t _ .  _ Not after- _

His anger made his hands shake, made him look around until he found a ceramic pot on the table. He threw it with all his strength at the wall beside Merlin. His friend didn’t flinch, even as the pot shattered into a million pieces behind him. 

“Why won’t you leave?!” It came out more as a demand than anything else, a plea to get him to understand. Everyone else had left, so why hadn’t Merlin? 

“Because you’re my friend.” Merlin responded. There were tears in his eyes, mirroring Arthur’s. “Because I don’t think you  _ want _ to be alone.” 

“I do,” he responded stubbornly, “I must.” 

His voice cracked at the last word, desperation snuck into his tone. Something wet trickled down his cheeks.

There was a beat of silence, in which all his fury seemed to melt away, only leaving behind a gaping hole, one that quickly filled with grief and fear. 

“I can’t lose him,” he whispered. He could feel tears streaming down his face, but made no effort to wipe them away. 

His legs shook, his knees buckled and he landed on his knees, empty and tired. So tired. 

He couldn’t do this. He was barely of age, how could he be expected to be king? How could he be expected to be a leader when all he wanted was for his father to be there?  _ Like a child scared of a thunderstorm, pathetic boy- _

Merlin knelt down in front of him. A hand cupped the back of his head, an arm wrapped itself around his shoulders. His head fell to rest against his friend’s chest, and he gripped Merlin’s tunic with all his might, suddenly afraid of being left alone. It was paralyzing, this feeling. He was so scared, he felt as if he were drowning in his own thoughts. 

“Don’t leave.” He choked on the words, his voice a broken thing, tight with tears. 

“Never.” Was Merlin’s answer. 

Arthur’s whole body shook as he clung to Merlin, as he hid his face in his shoulder, tears soaking his tunic. 

It was a while later that Arthur finally convinced himself to let go. During the time he hid in his friend's arms, Merlin didn't falter, didn't try to push him away. He didn't complain about his aching knees or the fact that his tunic had a quickly growing damp spot. 

He only gripped Arthur tight, fingers occasionally running through his hair and rubbing his back when he started to tremble. 

Arthur breathed in Merlin's scent, a mixture of sweat, dry herbs and something that he couldn't place but reminded him inexplicably of Merlin. It reminded him of home. 

After a little while, Arthur stopped feeling so alone. 

**Author's Note:**

> Angst without fluff is not my usual style but I hope I did a well enough job :)


End file.
